it's my life

Sunday, April 13, 2008

i dont know why but im like fucking jealous...
im like fucking confuse and all....

went jamming with W.A.R yesterday and im officially in their band
as a permanent drummer...
whatever it is, i told them that i prioritise Ignified Sins and make W.A.R as a side band
and they agreed....
so yeah....
hope to see W.A.R as an improvement to my drumming skills and a band thats going
to cheer me up just like Ignified Sins do....
i just so fucking miss Ignified Sins.. jamming with them is postponed to another week and
that is going to be the last again as we going to continue as our mid-year.....
so im just looking forward to W.A.R for jamming which is ones a week.... got to bear with that...
after jamming, proceed fort canning....
hendra, my rhythmist is like starting to be unwell....
hug him all the way there as he is like having a hang over....
half way, switched with arep my vox...
he drag hendra all the way to our destination with ika, arifin, my bassist, girl....
along the way, lemon was walking alone....
supposedly, i have no mood to talk to her at all....
but then, i encouraged myself to approach her...
walked with her all the way to fort canning as she too is feeling unwell....
i feel like holding her hand or even hugging her cause i kept on recalling about the past...
but then, i just controlled myself....
reached fort canning and just slack....
people are attending to hendra who is sick....
imran and acap disturb wan bogeh and lemon just sat down beside wan...
accompanied her to mac and then back to fort canning...
anwar kept on calling me so decide to make my way to meet the hellions battalion..
left my stuff all at fort canning.. sooner or later, all the rockers came to funan where im at
with my stuff along.....
after awhile, split with HB and went along with rockers to esplaned..
im all fucking jealous towards lemon....
she have been with wan bogeh all the way.... while hangging out, plus while walking to
the mrt...
im, as usual, left alone...
punching metal boards here and there....
until when they went guardian, im left alone outside, she came to me only for a short while..
she asked whats wrong with me and all.. why i kept on punching the boards...
nothing is what i said.....
in the train, just sat on the floor, played my psp and mind my own business....
i text her in the train saying,"dont mind me asking but why you tak layan i sangat? as in besides just noe.. asyik bogeh jek.. thats what actually made me mad.."
whatever she replied, i just cant recalled and dont want to recall....

today...
never do anything....
woke up at 3 plus, ate chicken rice which parents bought, slept again till 8...
watched tv all the way till now im in front of the comp....
i put my personal message at msn as 'im confused'..
she pm me asking why....
this is what i replied,
"~=Siraj Kasturi®=~ prioritise to ~ıgиıfıeđ šıиš~ sides to ~=W.A.R=~ says:

i wanna be back with ya.. but you dont want.... im confused because i dont know what to do.. you have been treating wan bogeh so like specially which makes me jealous and too make me confused... i know if i were to tell you.. all you got to say is move on... people too have been telling me to move on.. but im still in for you... how am i to move on... i still love you b...
i want us back but i know its impossible cause you dont... i dont know but i had that eeling that you going to accept wan bogeh if he were to sound you cause you both are like so close.... people have been asking me what about you and him and all i can say is i dont know.... im like embarassed when people asked me that cause they know that im close to you some how.. but come to the real story... im hurt... i know you dont even care cause you got nothing got to do with me anymore and just want to be my friend.... haiz.... i dont know la b.... "

this is what she replied,
"aticcalemon♥ malam ini ku takkan pulang. says:

u tak faham ke u ?
i've asked you to move on.
just move on.
be strong.
anyways.
you have alot of other girls in your contact perr.
your ex pon ader.
dayah ader .
u nak aper lagi ?"

i dont know la....
i guess she and wan bogeh start to develop feelings for each other..
if you ask me, yeah im fucking jealous....
but............................................

~=Siraj=~

Siraj Kasturi [11:31 PM]

Thursday, April 10, 2008

lets start with yesterday...

which is on a tuesday....

after school, head back home to change and drop by chai chee to meet n lepak with mates..

soon after, headed to bedok control station to meet acap, maan, kasman, anwar

without knowing atika was there....

when i saw her, i feel down... as in really down...

proceed to simei to lepak at our usual place...

from there, i broke down....

didn't talk much..... when maan and her went to buy food, thats when i start talking...

i wanted to return her back her zippo that she bought for me...

so i slip it into her bag and hope she didn't realise it....

out of a sudden when i spend time alone and decide to smoke,

i found it back in my pouch.....

when i talk to kasman at the corner of the blk, she came to salam us cause she

wanna go.... i pulled her aside and gave her the zippo back....

she have been declining it and left me no choice but to slip it into her top pocket

and walked away...... from there, i took my stuff, and go....

punched a letter box plate till its dented to let out anger.....

soon after, sat down under a block and cried......

came kasman, maan and her.....

kasman console me about things.....

and then, the truth is out.... kasman ask her does she like me...

her answer is,"NO!"...

i just controlled my emotion.....

then from there, we split...

me walking with kasman, anwar and acap to tampines busstop

while maan took the train and atika, the bus.....

the reason for returning her back is because it just brings lots of sweet memories of us...

she gave me the zippo aas a birthday preasent the night before my birthday when we

celebrate it at seoul garden at ngee ann city.....

how can i not forget about things that happened during my birthday night...

im sure people too cant forget right?

thats when we had our not so formal dinner in a formal dressing...

thats the time when we kissed in front of the camera.....

just how can i not forget bout it fuck?!!

today....

being down in school.....

had gastric pain the whole day......

kept on thinking of her.....

a friend of mine brought this,"no. 8 magic ball" where you ask questions in you heart,

shake the ball, and an answer will appear....

so i decide to ask somthin.....

the answer was,"not the right time to ask.." second time,"try again..."

third,"YES"....

i tried it twice and had the same answer....

i don't know...

i didn't say i trust this things but its fate if its going to happen.....

after school, headed to aunts place to meet mum...

eat, eat, eat... went home and sleep......

dreamt of somthing really shocking........

people say that if you dreamt somthing, its going to be the opposite way in reality..

is it true??

i dreamt...... her....... then........... break............ then.....................

figure out whats my dream........

"come on siraj.. she hates you now... she did not care for you anymore.... why bother thinking of her when she didn't even have the heart to think about you.... as a friend? yeah right.... reality check, she have someone else dude.... its no longer you... its someone new.... for example, she talked to someone on the phone yesterday happily in front of you... what do you think? so snap out of it.... i know you love her so do i... but does she still love us?? thats the question that you gave her which she had not answer till this very day....... lets just give her another week to think.... if she still love us, she tell us... if she don't, she wont answer us within the week..... the reason why you're typing it here is to let her know what im thinking because she have been reading bout us here... people may think you're crazy to type this, its up to them because it your life! now lets take a break and just wait till shes ready to answer us......"

~Siraj's heart......

~=Siraj=~

Siraj Kasturi [12:00 AM]

Monday, April 7, 2008

broke down the whole of today.....

nobody really cares...

she text me this morning asking whether or not im ok...

yeah i replied a no....

i can't take the fact that we're over.....

people kept on telling me to move on..

hey bebs, if you were to be in my shoe, im sure its hard for you too...

i asked her whether or not she still love me.. she replied with a don't know as usual...

to be honest... i cried in class quite a number of times...

in the bus on the way home...

i know im being too emotional....

like what anwar says,"no matter how tough a guy is.. about love can make them cry.."

i respect when he said that....

i wrote on my msn nick,"im breaking down.. i want you back b..."

to my shocked, she put,"i don't want you back"..

fucking sad after seeing that....

three guys are aftering her right now...

i'm sure i know two of them...

but the third, im not sure...

isit me, or someone else??

nah... im not sure...

im not putting high hopes... but.....

like what people say,"let the best man win.."

i just need another chance to prove myself worthy towards her....

but im not sure shes willing to accept it....

well baby.... its up to you to choose....

i really hope you choose me cause im goin to promise you that im going to change..

im going to prove myself to you that im worthy of the last chance that you're going to give me..

if you decide to choose either one from the two or three of them, i bid you all the best...

yeah, im going to be there as a friend if you willing to accept me as one...

you've seen me cried in the bus beside you the other night... im sure you realise how serious

i am that i don't want to lose you and going to worth another chance...

but i guess you're going to stick to your decision of being friends like how you said to me just now in the morning.... well b, by then im sure things are going to be different for the both of us... you go on your way with the rockers, im going on my own way with the metals... i want you to take your own time on thinking which one you're going to choose and which you're going to be much happier with.... i don't want you to regret after making your decision.... take care b.. take care..

whenever you need me, im just a text or a call away for you to reach....

i maybe returning back you zippo lighter back cause it just brings lots of memories during the night your gave me that lighter.... and i can't bear bringing the memories along without you by my side.... just make your decision wisely................

lots of love, SirajSalim......

Siraj Kasturi [11:00 PM]

Sunday, April 6, 2008

THE LAST MESSAGE TO HER

"is this the way for HIM to proof to me that he still loves me ? Or really really love me and can't afford to lose me ? Flirting with other girls, in friendster, msn or maybe handphone. Like i said, i won't care bout him contacting other girls anymore. I shall give his freedom and i want my freedom. Maybe, he contact other girls too. Well, i remembered clearly what i once asked him; "U ader contact ppn laen?" He changed topic and i asked again. He replied; "Guys would always be guys." So maybe, just maybe, he did now. I just can't accuse him anything without proof. But he have been accusing things without having any proof."

~AticcaLemon

well baby..... looks like you have been highlighting all this.... so ur saying that im flirting with other girls in friendster, msn or even handphone.. and even said you dont care i'm contacting other girls... well baby.. let me be straight forward with ya, people have kept on asking me about us here and there.. that's when i start adding them at msn... no flirting was going on b... i too am giving you your freedom.. u want to contact other guys or whatsoever regardless thru friendster, msn or phone... furthermore, im not even making a big fuss out of it... its like, u share ur probs with arep... i too share my probs with a FRIEND of mine who is a girl... and yea i said to you that guys will be guys.. but im not adapting to what im saying.... yea i do love you b.. i love you very much and don't wish to lose you n i can assure you that im not FLIRTING with anyone of my contacts.... i know i have been accusing you without proof.. but yet, i still kept my silence bout it... i know our relationship is ending soon due to the day and date you have choose upon... i just cant believe that its ending.... you choose to hate me, you choose to despise me over reasons that you think is true... you think that i have not change.. im still the same me... well b, i guess you have not pay attention to me enough.. if you realise, i did not stop you from doing anything you want... i did not even stop you from contacting anyone.. although i said i give you a time off and im being moody and all, i still did not let it out on you because i know your hurt at that point of time... yet this is the thanks that i get? u hate me? how great is that... although you avoid me and all, although im mad at you, i still control anger towards you b... i scold you in a good manner, yet you use vulgarities on me... i fought with you the other day thru sms, instead of using i and you, you choose to use "aku kau" plus vulgarities.... yet i control my language b.... the reason being is i respect you... but do i received the same respect i gave you? instead, hatred is what i received...

well.... we just settle our depts just now... what i meant is that, we broke up... what i said to you is that i want you to realise that you have change big time and i dont want you to forget bout your old mates who have been standing up for you rain or shine although you have found new friends who is much more fun to be with... b, i was thinking eversince just now, you said you hate me and dont love me anymore.. but why must you cry while sitting beside me in the bus just now.. when i asked, you said that you dont know and confuse whether or not you still love me... b, im giving you time to think back your decision whether or not you still love me... you can come up to me whenever your ready to tell me whether or not you still love me... if you still sticking to your decison that your not, im going to respect that and still treat you as a friend of mine... but if your answer is going to be the opposite, i wish to have you back.... as mine although you need time to think bout it... and no worries b.. by then, im sure i will be a change guy for you... well... i guess till here is enough... i wanna thank you for being my girl, being there for me whenever i need you... although we had our ups and downs, i just enjoy being with you.... just thanks... and you are sure going to be missed by me very much... with all the love i could possesed towards you, i will remain as your one knight shining armour...

~SirajKasturi

the first ever photo during our first ever date together in our relationship.....

Siraj Kasturi [11:45 PM]

was fucking tired.....
just came back from anuregah to support mercenarian...
and congrats to them that they qualify for the next round....
although had some major breadown just now... i still try to control my emotional...
posting up a tribute message to her after this...
somthing that i had type out eversince last night....
till here is enough.....
nitey nite....

p/s: i still love you AticcaLemon......

Siraj Kasturi [11:42 PM]

Saturday, April 5, 2008

lets start after a long time of not updating..

okok... im being fucking stress....

lots of things happen eversince i did not blog....

people have been telling me to update and all....

i do want but the thing is, im scared that people would get offended

and think that im trying to be sacarstic towards them.....

get what i mean? thats why i removed my recent past blog because

it spark an unhappiness.....

im like fucking sick right now....

as in really sick...

having high-fever, dry cough and flu.....

damn hate it!!

yet.. nobody cares that im sick..

there are afew but not one particular important person...

despite being sick, im still goin to support mercenarian tomorrow during anugerah band..

and also, there's going to be something that is going to happen tomorrow..

its somesort of an occasion too...

lots of people have know it....

i don't know whether or not it is going to happen....

im currently sick and too don't know how to face it...

im just so fucking dissapointed.... seriously....

our second month had already passed....

not even a single wish was received by me....

and yet, i got to know the bad news that is going to happen during that day..

but it was somesort cancelled....

what makes me really down was that, besides meeting me, going out with

another person was done.....

how great is that....

she have been writing,"i hate you!" here and there and "fuck off fucker"..

i wonder, does writing that makes people happy??

nvm.. its people life... not mine....

i dont wish to elaborate more....

because people will think that im being sacarstic im MY BLOG and NOT THEIRS..

ok drop the topic......

guess what ya'll...

Ignified Sins new original is OUT!!

while you're reading this, the song is playing...

ok lame!!

its like fucking obvious sak!!

tell me hows the song.....

comments is needed to improve on our band!

all the best to Mercenarian for tomorrow audition...

hope you guys can qualify!!!

signing off!!!!!!

~=SirajKasturi=~

Siraj Kasturi [10:51 PM]